January 15th, 2017
I want to remember watching you organize silverware in the kitchen drawers with focus and determination.
I want to remember being excited to crawl out of bed on Saturday mornings like it was Christmas because we got to cuddle on the couch with coffee, and blankets, snuffles and Thomas the train. Just the two of us.
I want to remember watching you build legos on the living room floor – thinking I was really into building with you, when in fact I was just watching your face the whole time.
I want to remember sitting on the porch with friends on a warm January afternoon – all laughing and chatting while you slept inside and I had everything I could ever dream of.
I want to remember feeling so exhausted after an early morning and long day of work – but knowing that connecting with you would put wind back in my sails. Sometimes it didn’t feel that way… but most of the time it did.
I want to remember hearing you downstairs, checking in on me upstairs while I worked with a short and sweet…
Me: “Hi, Benjamin. I love you.”
You: “Hi” [tiny feet shuffle off]
I want to remember: “Twactor,” “Papa,” “Mum,” “Dump’m,” “Bahboo,” “Busssh,” “Bike wide,” “Ding Ding,” “Dilk,” and all of the other genius words you mysteriously picked up along the way.
I want to remember the first time I finished your nightly blessing (“may the Lord bless you and keep you…”) and you rubbed my forehead to bless me in return.
I want to remember just me and you.
I want to remember the first time I left the hospital holding the greatest gift and feeling terrified that I couldn’t keep you from the pollution in the air, the rays of the sun, or the fast cars zooming by us as we drove you home.
I want to remember the first time I woke up staring at your sleeping eyes, tiny lips and perfect form lying next to me after 2am nursing.
I want to remember the first time. The anticipation. The labor. The struggle. The birth. The connection. The perfection. The learning. The fear. The learning again. The first time I understood what it was to love someone so much it genuinely hurt.
Benjamin – my first. Before she gets here I want you to know that these 2 years with you have put my wildest dreams to shame. You have lit my life on fire, softened my heart, broken me to pieces, exhausted my every resource and given me the greatest joy I’ve ever known… just by being alive and mine. You are my baby – forever and always.